When Daydreaming Gets Out of Hand

To start, here's a post I copied over from my other blog, with some editing and fewer gifs.

It's usually very evident to me that I don't need a man. I'm independent, I'm not interested in sex, to be blunt, or the resulting kids (don't get me wrong--kids are super important, but I would make a poor parent). This means pursuing a relationship only to say "whoops, sorry, I guess it ends here" once things get serious is shortsighted, selfish, and immature. Sure, cuddling and kissing and having a good time is a very attractive idea sometimes, but when I step back and look at the big picture, it wouldn't be fair to me or to a guy who liked me if we just jumped into dating. It would take a very special type of man to get me married, I think, because there would be some pretty serious roadblocks we'd have to work around.

If I'm content being single, why should I entangle myself in a relationship that takes so much time and energy? I'd much rather put those resources toward things like writing and art. After all, in 1 Corinthians 7 (a passage young Christian singles can see coming a mile away), Paul's famous opinion is that single people who are able to control their desires can focus more on being devoted to God, and I think part of that is definitely doing the work that He has for them.
I'll admit I still have romantic desires. Most of it, over my short seven or so years of having crushes, ends up being directed toward fictional characters. I'm not entirely sure why, but maybe it's because they'll never pressure me to do something I don't wanna. Maybe there's some feeling of "safety" in that. It never has to be anything but fluff in my head. Which is, of course, not like a real relationship at all.

Unfortunately, when I do have a crush on a real person, these harmless fantasies have more dire implications. I find myself treating the person, too often, like a character. I like to daydream, but the tendency is to create scenes in which the desired boy says nice and sweet things to me, or acts romantically toward me. But he is not a character. He is a real person who has his own opinions of me and his own feelings, and I have no control over those. Yet I let these vivid fantasies feed my attraction as if he were actually showing affection to me. In short, when I do not control my fantasies, I am using people for my own pleasure.

It seems innocent on the surface. Just daydreaming. Everybody does it. But I'm not talking about thinking "oh man, it would be nice if we kissed." I'm talking about consuming, vivid immersion in a false reality. Maybe you haven't experienced this. Maybe you have. I'm not in your head. Anyway, I've come to realize that for the brief pleasure in the form of fuzzy feelings I receive, there are two more permanent wounds left behind.

1. I wound the object of my affections, whether he knows it or not, by devaluing his subjectivity and treating him as, well, not his own person. I act as if he is not a valuable I, a person created by God, like me, with his own thoughts and desires.
2. I wound myself, by creating unfair expectations. By fooling myself into thinking that pleasure can be separated from building an actual relationship (perhaps a much milder equivalent of a one night stand). Causing myself to believe that if I could only get the attention of a certain boy, things would be this way. I, well aware of my probable single future, am teaching myself to chase after stimulation of nice feelings, which can only ever lead to disaster. 

With the crushing realization of these points, it is clear to me that "innocent" daydreams can also be sin. To devalue another human life is cruel. To chase empty pleasures is folly. And yes, that second one definitely includes going all romantic over fictional characters. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly be able to keep all my squishy desires in check. The point is that I need God's help to take control of my mind. My whims should not rule me.

I realize that it may sound like I am completely condemning daydreaming. Absolutely not! I am recognizing a problem in my own habits, explaining it, and planning to change. The kind of daydreaming I'm talking about is very vivid and consuming, but shallow and has very little real story to it. It exists simply to make me feel good, and I don't even get a worthwhile story out of it in the end. That's what I'm trying to eliminate. My thoughts would be much better set elsewhere. I have a lot of stories to tell.

Just for fun, later, I might make a pros and cons list of being single vs being married, from my perspective. It's been bouncing around the back of my mind for a while, and people like fun lists.

A blogger with a lot to say about the whole "valuing a person" thing is Marc Barnes over at Bad Catholic. He has a lot of good things to say about all sorts of stuff, actually. It's heavy, but deep. Intense.