Heart Matters

A lot has been happening to me and around me recently. New friends, having to move, the realization that I have not been putting much into my walk with God for the past I don't know how long...

And I've found that a lot of this is bombarding my heart. As in my emotions. As in "wait, I have those?"

It's all really unclear to me, still. I'm used to knowing precisely, making decisions, using logic, and coming to conclusions. This is because I largely function in the area of thinking over feeling. I think that God wants me to grow emotionally, though, because I'm realizing just how immature and underdeveloped I am in that side of myself.

I know a lot of things about God. And I do desire to follow Him. But so much of the time, it seems like my heart isn't in it, because I don't feel anything.
Please don't start with the "Youth Group Retreat High" argument (the one that goes "good feelings aren't true passion because they fade") because the opposite is also true. I can't just expect to tailgate on the bumper of "doing the right thing" without putting real love into it. We, as Christ-followers, need both. The hard work, the daily striving for righteousness, and the love, the part where we let God capture our hearts.

Dang, is that hard or what?

Anyway, opening up that side of me makes me feel really small and lost. Like I've been happily pretending that the city blocks in their ordered arrangement and the concrete with strategically placed patches of grass are all that matter when I go out walking, because if I'm looking at my feet it's harder to trip. Except I need to be looking up, too. The sky above is vast and expansive and wheeling with birds and bright, bright blue. And who knows if the cosmos has been exploding with new galaxies or the clouds have hit the sunshine just right and I've missed it all?

At least, when I'm trying to use my emotions, metaphors come more naturally.

Probably because I have to describe something unfamiliar using imprecise words.

The Pros and Cons of being Single

In honor of Valentine's day.

So you're single, huh? You hate it, right? If only you could find that ONE person and all your problems would be solved forever, eh? Well, here are some reasons why being single is AWESOME. And a few downsides too, because they do exist.
Just a note: this is from the perspective of "you're eventually going to be single or married." I could probably write an entire other post on why dating should include a long range point of view, and perpetual dating just for fun is like chasing the wind, but now is not the time.

PROS OF BEING SINGLE--

You have more free time. When you aren't going out on dates, you can be doing something else that you always wished you had time for, like sleeping, or listening to audiobooks, anything really. Plus, a lot of those fun things that you do on dates, like go to fancy restaurants or the movies, or walking in the park? News flash- you can totally do those with your friends too!

You can focus on your career.

The woman is usually (but not always) the one who ends up taking care of the children once marriage rolls around. Some stay at home moms end up running awesome Etsy shops, but most of them just end up browsing Pintrest while the baby naps and dreaming that they had the time or energy to run awesome Etsy shops. If you've ever thought about running your own business or working in a time-consuming field, now is the time. In addition, if you end up being the breadwinner, whether you are male or female, you often have to choose between the work you really wish you were doing and the work that will support your clan.

You don't have to worry about raising kids.

For many people, singleness is only a certain time of your life, and a family with munchkins to train will come later. But hey, at least right now you don't have to freak out about whether your litter will be able to survive on your cooking, or whether you'd know what to tell them when they need your help.

You only have one mouth to feed.

If you're a guy, especially in the Christian circles, you're expected to do the traditional stuff like pay for dates (to nice restaurants, no less), and eventually provide for an entire family. Yikes! Where did the money you were saving for an X-box go?? There are plenty of girls who pay for dates too, and relationships definitely cost money and time both ways, but there's no denying that no matter your gender, being single will probably save you some money.

Your decisions only affect you.
This isn't universally true: everyone's decisions affect everyone else in some way, but when you're single, you don't have to consult with a significant other over every semi-major choice. You want to eat with the cooking utensils to save on dish washing? Hey, nobody else is there to complain about your spit on the spaghetti! You want to pack up and move to Seattle? You don't have to convince the love of your life to want to live there too. Spontaneous vacations? Heck yeah!

Choosing difficult lifestyles is easier.
If you suddenly realize the Paleo diet is what you've been missing all this time, but your significant other is a junk food connoisseur, or even just really likes pasta, you've got a problem. Minimalism is another example. You can pare down your stuff all you want, but when you're sharing your space and your life with someone else who isn't as excited to jump on the train, it can be hard to reconcile those differences. Relationships are give and take, and if you're one of those people who like to make things hard on yourself, being single just makes it less stressful, unless you happen to find someone just as crazy in the same way as you.

You can live jewelry free!

Okay, maybe this one is just me. Has anyone noticed that being in a relationship is all about the bling? Okay, that was a cheesy word, and that's not universally true. People like to wear stuff that their bf/gf got them to signify commitment. But one of my biggest worries about my eventual inevitable marriage (back when I assumed that I would get married like the average person) was about engagement rings. I have never been big on jewelry. Ever. Rubber bracelets were an occasional thing, but that's about as far as it went. My ears aren't even pierced. I almost shudder at the thought of wearing necklaces. And rings are just weird. Wearing a ring every day for the rest of my life? No way! So get a tattoo, my friends suggested, but I don't like that idea either. I guess I'm hopeless. Good thing I'm single, huh?

CONS OF THE SINGLE LIFE--

It could get really lonely.

Even for an introvert, having friends is super important. But once all your friends start pairing off, suddenly you're feeling like an outlier. (I had the pleasure of -sort of- being a 7th wheel a few weeks ago. I was tickled at the concept, so it wasn't that bad, but I'm sure it'd get old fast.) Not only will you feel like there's no one to hang out with, but you'll probably feel like your friends and family are judging you. There might be pressure to just FIND SOMEBODY. But remember that your happiness shouldn't depend on just one person. You'll be okay.

Cuddle-envy. 

Sometimes nights are cold. Sometimes you're just in a snuggly mood. There are times you just wish you could kiss someone, dangit! And for many (most?) people, there are sexual urges beyond that. It's a real struggle, knowing that you have to contain your desires to maintain your purity. It's important, despite these struggles, to avoid the empty satisfaction of pornography, or even emotional pornography aimed towards women, masquerading as romance novels*. And it's hard. One of the hardest things about single life.
*There have been multiple articles written about this concept from both sides of the issue. There are no clear lines and I'm not going to get into that right now.

Sometimes you're just not strong enough on your own.

I cannot open jars. It is an unfortunate truth. Mourn with me. Maybe I should get one of those rubber grippy things. Then my whole life would improve. In other categories, maybe you're someone who feels emotionally week and just needs someone to always be around, a shoulder to cry on, or you need literal protection. Or maybe you have the muscle but you need the voice of reason? People need people, so even if you're single, it's hard to live in isolation.

Money.

Hey remember how I said living alone might save you money? Well, I guess it really depends, because the more dependents you have the more tax cuts you get. Also, splitting the cost of things roommate-style is pretty effective, if both people work (which would be more common, I assume, before kids come 'round.) Plus if one of you really likes math then it's a weight off the shoulders for financial planning. But what do I know? Maybe finances are simpler when you're single, maybe not. Don't ask me, cuz this is the first year I've ever filed a tax return, and my dad helped me.

Ok, well there's my list. Got anything else to add?  The conclusion is, at least from my perspective, being single rocks.
Later!

Slow Down!

Our days rush by faster as we get older. It's normal, but, of course, frustrating. "Where did the year go?" we ask, and two minutes later it"s "I can't wait for this semester to be over," or "Can we just skip to Thursday, please?"
This living-for-the-weekend thing is the reason we can't remember anything in between. Because Monday morning through Friday afternoon is just nothing, and "life" is pretty much just a third of the week.
I get it. Not everyone can have a job they love (I don't like my job either), and nothing you do at work seems worth remembering. Or maybe you're still in school all day. Either way, when you get home, you're too tired, yada yada yada.

I'm not saying you have to change anything. If you're fine with feeling like your life isn't going anywhere, go right ahead. But if you're like me, and the idea of not being able to remember a single interesting or unique thing you did or experienced yesterday is a sign of doom, I'd invite you to try something I've been doing for the past two years.

Every day, I write down one thing that made my day, that is, made it a day of its own. It doesn't even have to be a good thing, but most of the time it is. It's almost never a "big deal." Sometimes it's that I ate pasta two meals in a row. Or that I drew a picture I really liked. Maybe I woke up and my bed was super comfortable, or I saw an impressive cloud. I write these things straight on my calendar, since whatever I write will almost always fit into a little box. Then at the end of the year, I have a record of 365 days, even if all I managed to write for some of them was "I lived," or "made it through work."

In my own experience, it keeps me from looking too far ahead, and helps me focus on paying attention to what happened today, to what is happening now.
I associate this with minimalism because it's the same counter-cultural idea of being aware. There's not a big leap between paying attention to the way you use your stuff and paying attention to the way you use your time.

The Free Table

Our apartment complex has a table in the mail room. It has a small sign above it indicating that residents can leave things there and take anything that shows up. Usually it's clothes, shoes, or household items that people realize they don't need when they're moving out or in. Sometimes the table is full, sometimes it is barren. People even leave their old boxy TVs! Food shows up occasionally, but I'm not such a big fan of food on the free table. Seems fishy.

I think this is a fanatastic idea for almost any community. It makes getting rid of stuff so much easier--there's no need for a "donate someday" bin that just takes up room in your house and never actually makes it to Goodwill. And you don't have to feel bad knowing you trashed something that was still perfectly useful, either.  I just put an insulated coffee cup and a fleece blanket out there. (I love throw blankets, but I have 3... now 2, I guess.)

If you don't know of any free tables in your vicinity, I'd encourage you to find a way to start one. If you live in an apartment complex, the mail room is a great place. Appeal to the management! If you run a business, maybe you can set one up in your lobby (depending on the business.) Churches also seem like very fitting places. My church has a version of a free table, but it's mostly for parents with extra/a lack of baby supplies. Just make sure whoever is in charge approves, of course.

The free table is a community-savvy concept that can really bless a lot of people in a lot of ways. When my roommates and I were about to move in, we got super blessed by a big pile of pots and pans that showed up. Later we got a full matching set of plates and bowls. God definitely has used the free table to provide for us.
Checking the free table gives me the same feeling as shopping, but without actually spending money. Just like going to the store, even if there's nothing I want, it's fun to just look. Sure, there might be the temptation to take things you don't need, just like shopping, but overall I think free tables fit with the ideals of minimalism and charity. Your spare hoodie that you rarely wear might be just what a poor kid needed this winter. If you really can't get a free table going, then just plain give stuff away--I'm sure if you drive around town you'll find a guy with a shopping cart who needs a blanket.

So go forth and be generous!

When Daydreaming Gets Out of Hand

To start, here's a post I copied over from my other blog, with some editing and fewer gifs.

It's usually very evident to me that I don't need a man. I'm independent, I'm not interested in sex, to be blunt, or the resulting kids (don't get me wrong--kids are super important, but I would make a poor parent). This means pursuing a relationship only to say "whoops, sorry, I guess it ends here" once things get serious is shortsighted, selfish, and immature. Sure, cuddling and kissing and having a good time is a very attractive idea sometimes, but when I step back and look at the big picture, it wouldn't be fair to me or to a guy who liked me if we just jumped into dating. It would take a very special type of man to get me married, I think, because there would be some pretty serious roadblocks we'd have to work around.

If I'm content being single, why should I entangle myself in a relationship that takes so much time and energy? I'd much rather put those resources toward things like writing and art. After all, in 1 Corinthians 7 (a passage young Christian singles can see coming a mile away), Paul's famous opinion is that single people who are able to control their desires can focus more on being devoted to God, and I think part of that is definitely doing the work that He has for them.
I'll admit I still have romantic desires. Most of it, over my short seven or so years of having crushes, ends up being directed toward fictional characters. I'm not entirely sure why, but maybe it's because they'll never pressure me to do something I don't wanna. Maybe there's some feeling of "safety" in that. It never has to be anything but fluff in my head. Which is, of course, not like a real relationship at all.

Unfortunately, when I do have a crush on a real person, these harmless fantasies have more dire implications. I find myself treating the person, too often, like a character. I like to daydream, but the tendency is to create scenes in which the desired boy says nice and sweet things to me, or acts romantically toward me. But he is not a character. He is a real person who has his own opinions of me and his own feelings, and I have no control over those. Yet I let these vivid fantasies feed my attraction as if he were actually showing affection to me. In short, when I do not control my fantasies, I am using people for my own pleasure.

It seems innocent on the surface. Just daydreaming. Everybody does it. But I'm not talking about thinking "oh man, it would be nice if we kissed." I'm talking about consuming, vivid immersion in a false reality. Maybe you haven't experienced this. Maybe you have. I'm not in your head. Anyway, I've come to realize that for the brief pleasure in the form of fuzzy feelings I receive, there are two more permanent wounds left behind.

1. I wound the object of my affections, whether he knows it or not, by devaluing his subjectivity and treating him as, well, not his own person. I act as if he is not a valuable I, a person created by God, like me, with his own thoughts and desires.
2. I wound myself, by creating unfair expectations. By fooling myself into thinking that pleasure can be separated from building an actual relationship (perhaps a much milder equivalent of a one night stand). Causing myself to believe that if I could only get the attention of a certain boy, things would be this way. I, well aware of my probable single future, am teaching myself to chase after stimulation of nice feelings, which can only ever lead to disaster. 

With the crushing realization of these points, it is clear to me that "innocent" daydreams can also be sin. To devalue another human life is cruel. To chase empty pleasures is folly. And yes, that second one definitely includes going all romantic over fictional characters. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly be able to keep all my squishy desires in check. The point is that I need God's help to take control of my mind. My whims should not rule me.

I realize that it may sound like I am completely condemning daydreaming. Absolutely not! I am recognizing a problem in my own habits, explaining it, and planning to change. The kind of daydreaming I'm talking about is very vivid and consuming, but shallow and has very little real story to it. It exists simply to make me feel good, and I don't even get a worthwhile story out of it in the end. That's what I'm trying to eliminate. My thoughts would be much better set elsewhere. I have a lot of stories to tell.

Just for fun, later, I might make a pros and cons list of being single vs being married, from my perspective. It's been bouncing around the back of my mind for a while, and people like fun lists.

A blogger with a lot to say about the whole "valuing a person" thing is Marc Barnes over at Bad Catholic. He has a lot of good things to say about all sorts of stuff, actually. It's heavy, but deep. Intense.